Christmas…….. what it is, is not, can be, and will never be again.

Christmas this year will be vastly different from any I have had in the last 20 years as a parent. I have finally hit a place I can’t seem to get out of, and emotionally this is killing me. My kids will no doubt be fine, they love me and know I am trying. Its me that I am worried about, because I usually move heaven and earth to do something for my family each year.

There are no more mountains to move.

I read a blog post about Christmas from this really groovy man, and he was able to at least shine some smile light on my otherwise sad time this year.

What is Christmas to me? It has always been about the memories I have been so blessed to have accumulated over the last 40 some odd years of my life. I can still smell my Mom cooking pies , I can still see my Nana ( miss you so much Nana) and my Uncles. I remember how cold it was, the Christmas eve we drove from our house on Long Island, all the way to Boston just so I could be with my Nana on Christmas day, and share my presents from Santa with her.

Christmas to me is memories – happy joyous memories that NO ONE can ever take away.

Christmas is not a thing under a tree that can be taken away or broken. It is not how much was spent or what newest, latest tech item you get. It is not whether or not you are a failure for not being able to make Christmas for your kids, they will always love you no matter if you can or cant.

Christmas can be a time of such honest love, for family and new found friends.

Christmas will never again be what it was in my heart, but that is life, and I will have to deal with it.

A few years ago, when we moved into this house we are in now, on Christmas eve I managed thanks to one of my older boys, to convince my youngest that Santa was in fact real. Seems the jolly old elf was on our roof! My youngest and I even heard his tiny reindeer clip clopping along on our roof, honest!

Sad, but I would  give anything to be able to make more memories like that…….. but they are in my heart where no one can ever touch them.

I hate being this way, i really do.

God Bless you all, and remember ………. at this time of year, make memories , you may need them one day.