Christmas…….. what it is, is not, can be, and will never be again.

Christmas this year will be vastly different from any I have had in the last 20 years as a parent. I have finally hit a place I can’t seem to get out of, and emotionally this is killing me. My kids will no doubt be fine, they love me and know I am trying. Its me that I am worried about, because I usually move heaven and earth to do something for my family each year.

There are no more mountains to move.

I read a blog post about Christmas from this really groovy man, and he was able to at least shine some smile light on my otherwise sad time this year.

What is Christmas to me? It has always been about the memories I have been so blessed to have accumulated over the last 40 some odd years of my life. I can still smell my Mom cooking pies , I can still see my Nana ( miss you so much Nana) and my Uncles. I remember how cold it was, the Christmas eve we drove from our house on Long Island, all the way to Boston just so I could be with my Nana on Christmas day, and share my presents from Santa with her.

Christmas to me is memories – happy joyous memories that NO ONE can ever take away.

Christmas is not a thing under a tree that can be taken away or broken. It is not how much was spent or what newest, latest tech item you get. It is not whether or not you are a failure for not being able to make Christmas for your kids, they will always love you no matter if you can or cant.

Christmas can be a time of such honest love, for family and new found friends.

Christmas will never again be what it was in my heart, but that is life, and I will have to deal with it.

A few years ago, when we moved into this house we are in now, on Christmas eve I managed thanks to one of my older boys, to convince my youngest that Santa was in fact real. Seems the jolly old elf was on our roof! My youngest and I even heard his tiny reindeer clip clopping along on our roof, honest!

Sad, but I would  give anything to be able to make more memories like that…….. but they are in my heart where no one can ever touch them.

I hate being this way, i really do.

God Bless you all, and remember ………. at this time of year, make memories , you may need them one day.

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today………………………………

Today, wow………. end all be all…. and just now, this song came on my player…………………… fits today so f*ing well:

You pretend youre high
You pretend youre bored
You pretend youre anything
Just to be adored
And what you need
Is what you get

Dont believe in fear
Dont believe in faith
Dont believe in anything
That you cant break

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted

What drives you on what drives you on
Can drive you mad can drive you mad
A million lies to sell yourself
Is all you ever had

Dont believe in love
Dont believe in hate
Dont believe in anything
That you cant waste

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Cant believe you fake it
Cant believe you fake it

Dont believe in fear
Dont believe in pain
Dont believe in anyone
That you cant tame

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Cant believe you fake it
Cant believe you fake it

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Cant believe you fake it
Cant believe you fake it

lyrics by Garbage – Song: Stupid Girl

IMGP1293




IMGP1293

Originally uploaded by asharpe.

I used to sit right here, at this spot…… or near it , and I can honestly say the most peace i have ever felt in life was here.
I have recently begun to see my peace can be found away from home, away from this beach…… i have now found that peace is found with the loved ones who are around you in your life.
My family, my dear dear friends, YOU are my peace.
I truly can not imagine ever being with out you in my life, I have nothing else I can ask for that will ever compare with you.
((HUGS))

Road to Portola Redwoods State Park




Road to Portola Redwoods State Park

Originally uploaded by Vicki & Chuck Rogers.

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At the end of the day, all that matters is love

I have been going through some stuff lately, not going into it here………. but through a “a ha” moment thanks to a person I know to be honest, I suddenly see how I have been giving undue credence and respect where it may not have belonged.

As soon as I had this “a ha” moment, the best thing happened, my son came to me for no reason at all, and hugged me.

THAT is what matters, and I have forgotten that in the sprawl of BS going around me lately.

I have friends that I really like now, and will not ever forget them, but I am just not sure I am built for the dynamics of social bonding that goes on in the net world. I can  barely handle it in the real world. I should have known better than to think I could ever have fit in and been a successful part of this all.

If I ya know someone is in trouble, either in their own mind, or for real, and you can ….. show them how it is, so they dont pull thier own hair out in bunches worrying.

And if a person tells you they cant recall something, and you can, tell them!

Right now, I can honestly say I just want to go home, that is all. I dont want to deal with any of this BS anymore.

Is wishes were horses