my eternal footprint

I have had a very bad last two days, and I have been either crying so hard to God that I woke up this morning swollen in the eyes, or sitting here at my pc not knowing what to do. I watched Joyce this morning on the pc instead of the tv, and her message this week is about not being busy, but rather being fruitful, as God said to be in Genesis. I see there is a difference between the two, but I have no idea what my fruit is! I don’t think there is one thing I excel at, do really well. I have nothing I am passionate about, save for going home. I have no internal resources with which to either save my family or myself.

I do not know what my path in life is, my calling from God. I am so mentally worn out, I could not hear him if he was screaming at me. How does it feel, to know; really KNOW what God has planned for you to do here on earth? How do you know when God is speaking to you? What does it feel like to have His grace in your life? How do you know when what you like to do, is what He planned for you to do?

I am the proverbial “jack-of-all-trades” I do many little things ok, but not one thing really well. I have sat here and thought and thought about what I can do well, really well. Nothing, except sit here and think, I can think better than anyone I have ever seen. I think until my head explodes almost.

Then it dawned on me, this blog and the others I write ( using that term loosely) and I see now that this is the only footprint of me on this planet, one day in the future someone may come across this blog, and they will meet me, well what I have put here of me. But , this is the only lasting permanent records of me.

Here someone will see who I am, what I feel inside today. Will they like me? Think I am nuts? Will what I say about God make them want to come to him or run away? Right now, I am thinking run away, but I hope that is not true.

I see now, that I have a responsibility to write carefully about God. I wonder, is the bad things I am going through, a test? Am I passing? I just do not think God would do these things to me, rather he is allowing me to go through them for a reason, which if this is true; the reasons he has must be very good. I trust him, but I am a weak human, I am scared, hurting and afraid of how bad this will really hurt when he finally leaves me here alone. He said he must leave me ( he is my “other” half) because I act like I hate him. I don’t , but I do not like how he has treated me, and this is my time to say I am deserving of better.I am not his mental punching bag, I am not here to pick up messes he creates time and again, because honestly I cant.

Will it hurt when he finally goes? Yes, because I know when he does, he wont be coming back. And the thing that scares me most is, I know he really never loved me, he has even told me so. So this is for my good.

To whom ever reads this either today or in the future, thanks for giving me some of your time, its a good feeling to know someone may read this, and at least say here is someone who is honest about what they are.

God has a plan, I cant see it now, but I trust him.

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